When I set out to launch my blog, I really just wanted a forum on which I could practice writing. I wanted a place to share my life stories which many of you seemed to find amusing, whenever I told them. But instead of entertaining an audience, what I discovered was a course that set a clearer direction for my own life.
In writing this blog, I spent a great deal of time researching other bloggers and blog sites and was introduced an entire movement that is guided by love. I know this sounds a bit hokey and even hokier to those who know me and have often described me as “the bulldozer.” But truth be told, I have always believed that your outlook and approach to life will set a tone for how you live. What I never knew however, was that approaching life with love was the way to abundance and joy.
I reflect on my life and refer to the death of my parents, my divorce and the loss of a deep love as catalysts that have fueled my life’s greatest lessons. Through these traumatic events, I have learned to allow myself to feel; which has become a skill and my greatest gift of all. And without an ability to feel and really lean-in, we live our lives dressed in armor that prevents us from feeling anything at all – bad, good or alive.
What I recently discovered about myself is that in feeling pain so deeply and so frequently, that it had become an emotion that I had grown quite accustomed to feeling. And because pain had become such a familiar emotion to me, I have been attracting painful relationships for the better part of the last decade. In evaluating my life over the last ten years, I realized that at any given point, I was in at least one relationship that could only result in pain. And like a functioning alcoholic, I drank just enough each day to prevent withdrawal.
I awoke to understanding that this behavior was destructive. But the hardest thing for me to admit was that this behavior came from a place of self-loathing. I am strong, confident, ambitious and successful and even prefer my own company to time spent with the inane, mundane or superficial – I like myself. Yet deep down inside, I don’t love myself enough to believe that I am deserving of love.
As you can imagine this has been a tremendous discovery for me. And I know that through the work I have done on myself over the years, I have both the strength and the wisdom to work through this and heal. This journey could prove to be my greatest challenge yet, but I know that when the work is done, whatever the result, it will have been worth it.
Tomorrow marks the one year anniversary of the launch of my blog and I still don’t have a sense of what it is meant to be and how it will continue to evolve. But what I do know is that without it, certain doors in my life would have remained closed. And given what I have learned from walking those doors, that in itself would be my greatest tragedy.