Confessions from a Fabulous Life

By tamara on

Confessions from a Fabulous LifeLife can be hard.  It is a series of ups and downs that are not only driven by the challenges of daily life, but also by the biorhythms that control your overall emotional state.  Any wrong combination of these two elements can send you on a downward spiral and into a dark place – or at least that’s what happens to me.

I have been riding high since August, when I made my decision to sell my home in New Jersey and move to New York City.  It was all very exciting.  Between the overwhelming task of packing up my entire life to the actual move itself – and all the newness of the situation kept the adrenaline pumping for months thereafter.

I am now at the six month mark and the dust is starting to settle.  I’m allowing myself to slow down and normalize my weekend life, to one similar to what I knew in New Jersey.  I’ve put the social life on halt and am focusing inward instead of on all that is external.  And so now I am starting to crash.

Introspection is a luxury that I can afford, but the resulting truth can come at a high price, payable by our own self-worth.   And as the smoke of our delusions clear and we are left standing naked our self-esteem tends to diminish.  I stop and look around and this is what I see.

I have relationships that I’ve lost in the move.  Some were merely acquaintances based on the convenience of proximity, but others were deeper ties that for one reason or another broke during the move.  I miss them and I am grieving them.  And because they consumed much of my time, for the first time in a very long time, I feel lonely – in a city of 8 million people – go figure.

The expense of living in the city has drawn my attention to my finances and shined the spotlight on my career.  Since the financial crisis hit, staying employed was paramount, because if you lost your job it would be 18 months before you found another one.  So I laid low and limited my career risks.  And as a result, I’m in job that doesn’t inspire and doesn’t challenge.  I go to the office each day with dread.  That needs to change.

I want to pick up the phone and call a friend but most are out and about with their families.  I walk to the park and I see parents watching their children play.  The creation and nurture of life is something that I will never experience.  That makes me sad.  And the absence of family becomes glaringly prevalent – no parents and no children.  Just me.

So here it is, after six months on high octane my life seems to have come to a screeching halt and my psyche seems to be unfolding into what looks very much like a mid-life crisis.  But I’m not known to wallow for very long.  I tend to pick myself up and dust myself off to continue onward.  The question is, where am I headed to next?

 

12 comments

  1. Tamara,

    It’s natural to miss your old Jersey life – and I’ve always believed that change is good. I hope you find a happy medium – a job that makes you happy and a new group of friends.

    Let me know when you have time for a drink or a cup of java. I’ll travel into the city & meet you & we can just walk & talk!

    xoxo
    Nata

  2. Dear Sister-

    Remember you have two brothers who love you dearly and two nephews who look up to you as in a way you might not fully realize. You propelled your career in an upward trajectory since you got your first job and now will be no different. You continue to travel the world and are loved by many, so use this post move honeymoon phase to energize and find the next adventure. It’s just around the corner…

    • Thanks Andrij,

      That means a lot to me. It just sometimes its hard to do it all alone. I don’t regret the choices that I’ve made in life, it just is a lot for one person to carry all the time – it gets heavy and I need to rest. Perhaps I just need a vacation.

      xo,
      sis

  3. Hi Tamara,

    You can always come and visit Australia again. You have people who care for you here too, and my little boy Luca would love to meet you!

    Andriy

    • ooh, I have to say that does sound appealing. The last time I went to Australia I was between jobs – in finance we have something called Garden Leave which is mandatory time off before starting a new job. If all goes well, perhaps I will find myself on Garden Leave again. And I can’t wait to meet Luca.

      xo,
      Tamara

  4. Tamara – looks like this Wednesday get-together comes at the right time……! Looking forward to catching up and putting your “head” in the right place – to forge ahead! Chrissy xo

    • I definitely need that. Especially coming from you – you always have given me better perspective and emotional support. Thanks Chris.

      xo,
      Tamara

      PS – we are on the calendar for tomorrow not Wed.

  5. He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes so that it will be even more fruitful.
    John 15:2

    Pruning season is almost over. Harvest time is coming! xoKaren

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *