A Blind Eye

By tamara on

The Blind EyeA week ago Thursday, my vision started to blur.  At first it was sporadic – intermittently seeing double with an inability to pull things into focus.  By Friday night, I had difficulty seeing the road when driving and by Saturday morning I couldn’t drive at all.

In a week’s time, I have seen half a dozen doctors, half of which have told me that I needed glasses.  So three pairs of glasses later and my vision still did not get clearer.  

On Wednesday, I saw a cornea specialist who completed his own set of tests.  He believes that my eyes are being severely distorted by scarring caused by Lasik surgery, that I had 12 years ago.

He told me that glasses wouldn’t help this condition.  Good thing that I spent $700 on glasses.  He prescribed eye drops that cost $500.  Thank god that I don’t have ObamaCare.

I was somewhat relieved to hear his preliminary prognosis because I thought that I might have had a stroke.  He said that a stroke would have revealed itself in the eyes, so he was able to rule that out as a possibility.

I was also concerned that it might be a brain tumor.  That he couldn’t rule out just yet so he scheduled an appointment with a nuro-ophthalmologist for mid-February.  But based on strong recommendations from friends and family, yesterday I went to the emergency room and got a Cat Scan.  It turned out to be normal – so no stroke and no tumor.

This has been one of the most terrifying experiences of my life.  I always try to have a positive outlook and believe that every struggle is in someway, a gift.  But I have to admit, I am having a great deal of difficulty in finding the blessing here.

I have been trying to stay in my head and remain steady, but the range of my emotions has been broad.  Although, I never believed that this would have a fatal outcome, at some point I did think about death and considered my views on the subject.  I am not a stranger to death and because death has always been a part of my life in some way, I don’t actually fear it. But what I do fear is living in an incapacitated state.

Friday afternoon, one of my closest friends met me at my doctors appointment.  He currently lives in Hong Kong, but happened to be in town this week. He has seen me through some tough times including my divorce and has always been my shoulder to cry on.  He told me that I needed a drink.  He was right.  Getting drunk was a great idea.

All week long, I have been told to stay positive as friends have tried to remind me of how strong of a person I am.  But at that moment, I didn’t feel like being strong and forgive me, but I didn’t feel like persevering.  I wasn’t in the climb every mountain mood just yet and still wanted to wallow in self-pity.  After a few drinks, I became what is known, as a crying drunk.

My friend hugged me. He was wearing a big puffy ski jacket.  It reminded me of my down comforter which is my favorite thing during times of distress.  He held me and “chalupaed” me into his arms. It was exactly what I needed at that moment.

Over the weekend, I received tremendous support from my friends and family. It has been the first time in a long time that I needed this much support.  I am grateful for every phone call and every message that I received, so thank you. It felt wonderful and reminded me of how blessed I am, to have so many people in my life that care.

I don’t know how this is going to all play out, but today, I feel more optimistic, as I systematically have eliminated the worst case scenarios.  I suppose I have to move forward and continue to follow the process until we are certain of the cause.  Only then can we find a solution.

 

13 comments

  1. OMG Tamara… I hope you are ok. Scares the shit out of me to think of what could happen to one’s vision. Myself, I have a thinning retina and have a high risk of detachment. I live with the fear of blindness every day so I feel your fear and anxiety acutely. Sending prayers and positive vibes your way. Love and Hugs, Kika

    • Thanks so much Kika. The thought go losing vision is terrifying. Thanks for your well wishes and I’ll be thinking about you as well.

      Xo,
      Tamara

  2. So true, I think getting drunk was a great idea. Doesn’t matter how strong we actually are or how strong we are perceived to be by others, the truth is we all have our vulnerabilities and that it’s ok and healthy to be scared. I think we all need to let our guard down sometimes just to acknowledge we are only human and acknowledge our deepest fears so that we can decide how best to deal with them. It’s very brave and admirable to share this difficult time in your life on this blog and thoughts and prayers are with you that all this works out all ok. Again another well written thought provoking blog. Keep it up!

    • Thank you so much Jit. You have been so supportive through this and I really appreciate that because this has been really difficult for me.

      Your comments are always so thoughtful and profound. You seem to have a lot to say. If ever you want to write a guest piece please let me know. I would be glad, no honored to post it on my site.

      Xo,
      Tamara

  3. Wow, pretty scary stuff. I hope that the solutions put forth by the MD’s help you recover. I know the feelings you mentioned, sometimes we just need a good cry, to let it all out. I’m not too much of a “tough guy” that I can’t admit that. I’ve been there myself. Best of luck and here’s to a speedy recovery!

  4. T, I am really sorry to hear that you’ve had to go through this experience, as well as all the stress and emotion that has gone along with it. I’m glad you have been able to rule out some scary diagnoses, and hope you are feeling better. Please keep me posted, and let me know what I can do to help!

  5. Dear Tamara, very upsetting to read what has been happening to your eyesight….now, having ruled out two great monsters….thanks to the gods of health… next is to gather all your crystal clear and wonderfully wise spiritual core strength to regain the clarity of your vision. I’m incline to think of an organic, perhaps hormonal transient imbalance…vitamin deficiency under the changing weather conditions of this harsh winter…and send you my best warm thoughtful wishes for a speedy and total recovery asap!!!! big hug

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